Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Jackass of the Week 13/11/2012.


Note: Whilst writing this article I tried to watch the offending video only once. I’m sure it will become quite apparent why. Also note: This video is not ironic or satirical… which is a shame because those are two traits of British humour which I think we actually can be proud of.

When I was at school, amongst circles I preferred not to move in, the word ‘boy’ -through some perverse playground logic- became a term of derision. Synonyms would include; ‘idiot’, ‘dipshit’, and most aptly, ‘Jackass’. A combination of confusion and amusement of the use of the word ‘boy’ as an insult resulted in my friends and I inventing a game called ‘boy’ where we each took it in turns to say the name of a celebrity or well-known figure we considered to be a ‘boy’, the objective being to say the name of a person who was a bigger ‘boy’ than the preceding player. After a few games, we decided that H from Steps should be banned as no one could think of anyone who was a bigger ‘boy’ than him.

10 years after the first game of ‘boy’, H’s mantle as the biggest ‘boy’ in the universe seems to have been topped. 



Anton Lorien is the name of the contemptible bell-end behind this quite extraordinarily crass piece of selective historical analysis. I don’t like nationalism, in part because it gives you an excuse to take credit for things other people have achieved in which you played no part (see Doug Stanhope for a brilliant articulation of the bullshit that is nationalism, video at the bottom), but mainly because those who are nationalistic invariably take credit for the good things and leave out all the horrible shit their country has done. I am British, and unlike most Brits I am fully aware of the UK’s rather unpleasant record in world history. The British Empire is not something to be proud of.

But if you are going to claim credit for things other people from the same arbitrarily defined geographical region as yourself, AT LEAST claim it for things that your arbitrarily defined geographical region has actually produced. Anton Lorein lists several things in his obnoxious toe-curling excuse for a song as British inventions, several of which actually weren't.  His list includes the television, electric light and commercial jets (All either exclusively or at least partially American) Parliamentary Democracy (Democracy itself is Greek, parliamentary democracy finds its roots its renaissance Italian and Swedish governmental systems) and Photography (French). It is also laughable to say that we gave the world all of these. Most of them were sold at a profit or forced on others.

He also claims we gave the world a global language. Anton you shit-bag! How exactly do you think English became so widespread? Was it because people in other countries said to themselves; ‘by Jove! What a sensible language English is with its simplistic verb forms ad logical grammar and spelling systems; we should abandon our own language and adopt theirs’. No you fucktard! English is the most widely spoken language because of… oh I can’t be fucked, go crack a history book dipshit.

I’m really struggling with this, I really am. I'm trying to come up with a dry and witty analysis of this guy and his video, but I just want to sit here and write the word TWAT over and over again. I really don’t know where to begin. I hate this man. I really hate him. I hate his cocky self-important smile, his arrogant swagger and the extent to which he has the royal family’s cock lodged good and deep down his oesophagus. More-over I hate the fact that he put it there and takes great pleasure in giving their balls a good seeing to as well, all the time keeping that smug self-satisfied look on his. Most of all I hate that he has absolutely no moral issue with using the armed forces as a way to boost his pop-career and line his own pockets. He is the very personification and embodiment of cocksucker, happy to lap up anything shoved down his throat. He is also a Scientologist.  Not that I in any way mean to imply that there is a connection between a bullshit brainwashing cult full of idiots who will believed anything and a bullshitting brainwashed pop star who glorifies murder for money.



If there is a god, Anton Lorein will burn in hell…although he’d probably write a song about how amazing the devil is… I actually don’t think I can hold this back anymore…

TWAT TWAT TWAT TWAT! YOU’RE A TWAT ANTON LOREIN! AN ABSOLUTE FUCKIG TWAT!


Doug Stanhope injecting a refreshing bite on sanity into the proceedings.